A couple days ago, I accidentally cut my finger while chopping an onion. I am sure it needed a stitch or two. It bled for more than 12 hours, although it wasn't gushing blood or anything like that. If I put pressure on it, the bleeding would stop, but it would start again as soon as I let up on the pressure. I don't believe I was in any danger of bleeding to death, but it did need a stitch or two. I did not go to the ER, though.
I felt frustrated when well-meaning friends advised me to go to the ER and seemed unable to understand why I wouldn't go. I realize that I am extremely anxious due to my horrible experience in the ER last November and maybe I am a bit paranoid. But I am afraid of things that could actually happen.
Back when I was a social worker, in my former life, I ran an anger management program for teens. Their parents had to come to the program, too. There was a mom in the program that had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I'm sure this was not the only reason for the diagnosis (at least, I really, really hope it wasn't), but one reason her doctor thought she was paranoid was because she was afraid her son was going to kill her. She locked her bedroom door at night so he could not come into her room and kill her while she slept. Well, it turned out that her son was telling her he was going to kill her. He was threatening to stab her while she slept. And he had a history of behavioral problems and had been arrested for something, I don't remember what, but probably for getting in a fight or something. Something that made his probation officer think he needed to attend an anger management program. Mom may indeed have been paranoid, but her troubled son was also threatening to kill her.
The moral of the story? Just because you are paranoid, that does not mean they are not out to get you.
I didn't go to the ER because there was a possibility they would not believe that I cut myself accidentally. They might believe I did it on purpose. They would know I had a history of self-injury, even if I didn't tell them, when they saw the scars on my arms. I considered wearing a long-sleeved shirt and trying to keep my arms covered, but they would want to take my blood pressure and would want me to push up my sleeve for that. I thought about whether or not I could just refuse to have my blood pressure taken, but I could not think of any kind of plausible reason to give, and it would at least make them very suspicious if I refused when that is such a routine medical test.
They'd ask if I was getting treatment for depression and if I was honest and said not anymore, that would worry them, especially if they were wondering if I had cut my finger on purpose. I could lie and say that I was, but if they asked who my doctor was and wanted to contact him, they'd discover I was lying. If I said I was getting treatment but refused to tell them who my doctor was or refused to give them permission to contact my doctor if they wanted to, they would become suspicious.
If they thought I was lying about stuff or just thought I was behaving oddly, they would be more inclined to think I'd cut my finger on purpose.
If they thought I cut myself on purpose, the way they treated me might change. They might still treat me with dignity and respect; I've been treated with dignity and respect when I've gone to the ER for self-inflicted injuries in the past. But they might not. And unfortunately, there is no way to know in advance which way it will be. You can't call the ER and ask, "Hey, I accidentally cut my finger but I'm afraid if I come in, you might think I did it on purpose. If you do think I did it on purpose, will you treat me in a disrespectful manner and be mean to me?" I mean, you could call and ask, but you won't get an honest answer.
If they thought I cut my finger on purpose, they might refuse to give me anything for pain when they sutured the cut. Since something like that happened to me less than six months ago, no one is going to convince me it couldn't happen again. The same people that are now trying to tell me it won't happen again would have told me it wouldn't happen if I'd expressed concern about that before going to the ER last November. When it did happen.
If they thought I cut my finger on purpose, they might decide to admit me to a psychiatric unit. In Ohio, they can legally admit you for three days - and those are three business days, so if you happen to be admitted on a Friday, like I was last November, they can actually hold you for five days - without any kind of hearing or any way for you to argue that you are not a danger to yourself or others or any way for you to appeal their decision. If they want to keep you longer than that, they have to have a hearing in front of a judge or magistrate. However, they can wait up to two more days before your hearing. That means you could end up hospitalized against your will in a psychiatric unit for up to seven days (if you were admitted on a Friday) before you had any opportunity to appeal or object.
Yes, if you weren't really a danger to yourself, one would hope the judge or magistrate would realize that and you would be released after the hearing. But that doesn't give you back the week you lost. That doesn't make up for any of the trauma you might have experienced during that week. There are no consequences for the doctors that admitted you involuntarily, either; nothing happens to them if the judge decides they are wrong and you don't need to be hospitalized.
Is it likely they would admit me involuntarily, even if they did think I cut my finger on purpose? I don't know. I have no idea. But the fact that I'm not a danger to myself right now does not mean they wouldn't decide that I was. It doesn't mean they wouldn't decide to admit me. It is possible. Legally, they could do it. It happened to me last November, remember? And I would have recourse, no recourse at all.
That is a risk I simply cannot take.
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